pensieri del pazzesco .

profile blog links tag

pensieri del pazzesco

thesuicidalpanda.blogspot.com

Hello there, you've stumbled upon...nothing, you just stumbled...watch where you're clicking

Version 3.0
Word-vomiting since 2005

disclaimer

please read before proceeding

This site documents various circumstances that may be used as evidence in court, proving the author guilty of certain crimes beyond reasonable doubt…lest you, Reader, have no sense of sarcasm, irony, exaggeration, metaphor and any other figure of speech you learned from your English teacher.

Chos.

Black and blue but made it through

January 10, 2006/ 5:04 AM

After two or three suicide attempts, several cuts on the wrist and brain hemmorhages, I finally finished my script.

This literally drove me out of sanity. I've been awake all week, 2-3 hours being the daily allowance for slumber. I call it the Freddy Kreuger script--it appears in my dreams. I'm serious. I think about it when I'm awake AND when asleep. And just like Freddy, it rips my insides open and terrifies me to death. In one of these dreams (...yes, it's a series. I think I made it last for two seasons.) I was confiding on a co-scriptwriter and crying, telling him that I feel so low and my story sucks. I said I felt like this was my doom; I'd disappoint everyone and bring immeasurable shame on my name. When I woke up, I felt really weird because the catharsis I have failed to trigger in reality, ventured out in my subconscious.

I even came back to Quiapo on the eve of the Feast of the Black Nazarene, thinking that the gears in my brain may churn if I get re-accustomed to the milieu of th damn story. Yes, going to Quiapo in this particular period of time is life-threatening, but I still did, I was suicidal anyways. Dokito Frito, my personal inhaler during dizzy spells and shortness' of breath, came with me. Ironically, I found peace in the busy streets of Quiapo. I finally found time for myself and had a blast. We immersed ourselves to the real essence of the place--

1. Visiting Quiapo church and kneeling in prayer
2. Getting my fortune told
3. Purchasing an agimat
4. Got bitched by a grumpy pulis
5. Encountered taong-grasa(s), insane(s) and other renditions of the same kind
6. met ABS-CBN crew getting an update on the fiesta

>Chinika namin yung camera man at assistant niya, saying we were CA students and practically on the same field as they are. They were nice, didin't shoo us away but instead enthusiastically initiated chit-chat (eventhough Dokito played Taray queen on them). Oh yeah, they said the reporter they were shooting was J./Jay Ruiz. We didn't know him, the only one we know bearing such a name is the LRT station.

7. Saw drunkards
8. Acquired temporary hear loss from booming speakers
> From stalls selling pirated CDS
9. Saw forms of fornication ( porn)
10. Got pestered by insisitent beggars
>they wouldn't stop asking for money even after you give them some
11. Seeked out gayuma's
12. Ate inihaw na dried pusit...complete with usok and alikabok seasonin

Where was I? Oh right, the scipt. I've poured out sweat, tears, and blood. I came to a point where I got so mad I opened up my bible and said " God help me now. Talk to me! Show me something!" But I only got frustrated on not finding anything that comes close to my dreadful status. I've spent hours wailing and whimpering, unable to move and feeling so low. I had hurt myself a few times, blaming my frailty for everything. I'm just so thankful my firends were always there
to offer encouragements and support. You guys are the best, I love you so
much.

Dokito Frito/Kai- Salamat sa mga 'inhale, exhale', sa pagsalo sa luha ko, sa lahat lahat. You kept me breathing, and not just physically. MD Forever! They can hurt us, but never break us. Lovya Honeybunch.
Pressure ball/ Fatty- Thank you for believing in me. Salamat sa suporta, sa honesty, sa pagtanggal ng pressure at sa mga 'pressure hugs' that gave me assurance na buhay pa ko at kaya ko pa. Mwahh!
Marloni/Yellow man- Hari ka ng mga walang pakialam except sa mga kaibigan! Thank you sa pagpapatawa sakin pag sumasabog na ko sa loob, at tama ka: isipin ko na lang ham yan!
Soulmate/Riray- Thank you dahil lagi kang nasa tabi ko, sa kalungkutan man o sa saya. Salamat sa ideas, sa energy na napapasa mo sakin, sa Soulmateness, sa pagpapasaya sakin. Truly, ikaw pa rin ang standing na Droga ng Bayan at Eternal Sunshine.
Gabby/Kopikkada-Salamat sa lahat. Salamat dahil handa kang magpakamatay kasama ko kahit kailan..pero wag muna, tripping na lang tayo...Toast to Kopi!!!
Avery/Sunshine- Attitude ka daw...pero para sakin, good attitude when it comes to friendship. Salamat sa pagpasensiya pag mataray ako at wala sa sarili. Salamat sa mga simpleng 'kaya mo yan, ikaw pa' kahit chika man yun o hindi. Chalamat sa pagsama sakin at sa pagtabi sakin pag kinakain na ko ng mga problema ko. Chalamat.
Angge/Sex bomb- ito more than nine words: thank you for making me realize na walang chaka pag sa puso mo kinuha. Salamat, you don't know how much that helped me.
Karen- Salamat sa mga encouragements at salamat dahil lagi kang nasa likod ko . Siyempre, kalikod kita sa klase e, hahaha! Hindi...alam mo na inig ko sabihin...salamat Ka!
Fay Mattus-Thank you sa tulong and for looking out for me. Nakaka-inspire yung laging pag-smile mo kahit may problema, dapat kong sundan yun. Chalamat sa lahat 1st friend.
MM- Tama ka..kaya natin 'to! Let's do these M, we're super! For Reeeaaalll!!!
Switz ( esp. Ja and Pards)- Thank you for understanding me. For the prayers, for the supprt, for everything. For making me smile when it seems impossible. Lovya.
Mareng Abby, Anne Mochi, Myx/Anak, Norbex, Edge, Jon, Batchmates, at sa lahat po ng tumulong, sumuporta, at naniwala. Alam kong wala lang sa iba ang kwentong isinulat ko at hindi pa nga ito naise-stage pero sakin, tagumpay na yung makita ko siyang nasa papel na at sa inyong lahat: Maraming maraming salamat! Hindi ko kakayanin 'to kung wala kayo. Love y'all.

I think I wouldn't have made it without you. I got through those bad times with their help and...(this may sound real cheesy but it's true)..and a yellow pad paper I hung by my computer bearing the message " If God put me to it, He'll help me get through it". I also applaud myself for always maintaining that last drop of hope and determination in the gigantic tank that slowly dries up for every tear that flowed down my face. I'm not saying that my story is great after enduring these impediments, I actually think it's a flop. But being the self-condemning, self-doubting and pessimistic person that I am, you be the judge. I've gone through writing it, now I have to prepare myself for what's up ahead: enduring sharp criticisms that will lash at the very core of my being & execute and tolerate requisites posted by being the writer. Anyways, it's finished so hopefully I can get back to normal. Wait, that's a little bit off..Hopefully I can get back to my normal state of abnormality, just the right amount but not excessive.

The last period in this long story was finally put into place. I had overcome a challenge that may seem futile to others but have pushed me way beyond my limits and made me face monsters that only I can understand how horrifying, monsters that ate up every part of me inside and out. But still here, still breathing.

I survived.

And that's a compliment I truly deserve from my worst enemy, Me.

With head up high, Over-all Queen of flopness

update on ms.F

January 07, 2006/ 5:26 PM

Ok, still no miracle.

I'm at my wits end.

I don't know how long I've been crying my eyes out, destroying things in my room and hurting myself ( yes, self-masochism). I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I have a wild imagination, I really do, but it seems to hibernate when I'm doing my script. I'm going crazy. I'm in a rut...and I can't get out. I have approximately 30 hours to finish this and I'm only at the 2nd scene. I hate this. I hate myself. I'm hopeless.

Better find a rope...No, tried Baygon before, only made me high... Oh, that cutter right there willl do...Bye world..

introducing ms.flopness

January 06, 2006/ 5:27 PM

Just had the last session for scriptwriting workshop lead by Mr. Rody Vera.

I hope a miracle will happen while I revise my script..with angels' hymns, a strange light from the heavens and a booming voice saying: "My daughter, have faith, for I have bestowed upon you knowledge and wisdom to breathe life into your tale. Someday, it's story shall resound throughout the land, and will touch the hearts of my creation". Yeah right..( directed to the 'touch the hearts' thingy...not to God, I love God.)

Hmmph...I need inspiration, but then again, the deadline is inspiration enough. As Kuya Rody put it: " Kailangan i-overhaul..pero may pag-asa pa ang storya mo" I hope he's right. And I hope I can have this overhaul get done with.

Kaya ko to! Or am I just saying that to convince myself that I really can?
Better focus!!!
I can do this...?

Yours truly, over-all queen of flopness

comment! comment! comment! 0 bothered.

patawad

January 05, 2006/ 5:32 PM

Tama na. Ayoko na.

Itigil ang inyong palakpak, bingi ang aking mga tenga sa inyong pagpugay at pagbati. Bingi, dahil alam ko'ng sa bawat lagapak ng inyong mga kamay, umaangat ang entabladong sa huli'y aking paghuhulugan. Bingi, dahil alam kong hindi tunay ang panahong ito. Kayo'y nagbibigay-pugay sa isang tagumpay na kailanman ay hindi nakamit o makakamit pa. Nadudurog ang kalooban at kaluluwa ko sa bawat kislap ng inyong ngiti, sa paghiyaw niyo'ng kay saya. Patawarin niyo ako, ngunit halal ang lahat-- ako, ito, lahat lahat. Pakiramdam ko ay ako ang nagdiin sa palang siyang gumawa ng sarili ko'ng hukay. Dahan-dahang inangat ang lupa na sana'y nagbunga ng prutas na subok sa tibay ng panahon at karansaan. Ngunit ito'y nabungkal na, latag na ang himlayang aking kasasadlakan. Patawad...patawad....

Nerdilocks and the three venues

January 03, 2006/ 5:34 PM

I went to the De-mon-tist a while ago...and I survived. I've hated dentists since I was a kid, wait, abhor is more appropriate. Maybe because my first dentist always promised that it won't hurt but it always does; hurts like hell. I once had to endure horrendous pain for a week after the dentist did something. Horrible, the pain was so bad that it kept me from sleeping, eating, and being human. I hate it when they use those mini grinding tool that goes WRrhiiiiiiiii...and pick your teeth with the pointy metal thingy. Aargh..I'm getting braces and I can't do anything about it 'cause Mom already paid the de-mon-tist. I might get eye glasses too. Cwap..I'm turning into Nerdilocks, so much for aging gracefully.
After that I hunted for venues for my upcoming dehboo. I liked Gazebo Royale but another being born on Jan 27 1988 happen to have the same taste. She paid the whole 55k right after my associate came to check the place out for me, ggrr. It was too expensive anyways and when I

saw the place for myself, I couldn't see where the money went into. I checked out more places but the good ones were already taken. This is karma for my mamaya na habit. Good thing we found some pwede-na-rin loctions, so I've narrowed down my choices to three.
I just want this party to be enjoyable for everyone. I chose not to do it formally-I don't want people worrying over their dresses or if they still have much makeup on than actually having fun. I don't care what they wear, just want them to be there. Food will be taken care by Sangkalan (thanks Tito Mel). Speaking of food, I had their sinuglaw for dinner, mmm..it was heavenly.

I better stop this, I'm ballooning.

Oh well, one more bite won't hurt, hwehehe.

comment! comment! comment! 0 bothered.

lost in Gapo...

January 02, 2006/ 3:20 PM

I'm in Gapo right now. My beloved mother abandoned me in a Net cafe while she's having the time of her life in the big "C". We just came from Zambales to drop off my 3 cousins but we ended up here because of the traffic. I want to wreak havoc in this place but got no one to cover up my tracks..tsk tsk...better get a sidekick soon..or better yet, a buoy-fiend. Buoy-fiend...He floats and he's evil, hwahahaha!

I'm bummed.

'Later.

comment! comment! comment! 0 bothered.

welcome 2006

January 01, 2006/ 1:57 PM

Nagising ako kaninang 4:30 ng hapon. Natulog ako na madilim ang kalangitan at nagising ng madilim pa rin. 2006 na, sana naman may mangyari na sa buhay ko sa taong ito. I'm doing my best to start the new year with a positive attitude, kaso ang hirap dahil:

nalaman kong may quiz kami sa ECO sa 1st day of school at wala akong kaala-alam
Wala pa kong working biblio for Eng
Malapit na ang debut ko at wala pa akong nagagawa
Kinakain ako ng self-doubt...bulok akong playwright
Syempre, the usual pagda-down sa sarili...

Hai, basta! Kaya ko 'to! Superhero ako e, mali, martian pala! (^__^)
Happy new year everyone

comment! comment! comment! 0 bothered.