This one brought the worst depression fits ever. And unlike before where you actually acknowledge the pain by drinking, ranting and bawling your eyes out...this one was silent. It was like I didn't even want to put up a fight. That blind faith from past episodes where you just go for it despite fears and doubts ? Gone. It was the first time I felt scared of losing my drive. I knew I was not prepared (mentally maybe) to let go of a dream but it seemed like my spirit was. It was chilling.

I didn't know what happened then. 30 minutes before the auditions closed, I registered. I didn't know what the tipping point was, but it wasn't momentous. It was as if I had made the decision on some dim hope pushed by a faint memory...a memory of me when I had more guts, when I had more flesh before personal monsters gnawed me to my bones. I was functioning on a memory of courage than its actual existence. It was sad, is sad.

I was hardly prepared. The song I sung was suggested to me just before I signed my name. I delivered a monologue I roughly wrote the night before and didn't rehearse. The improvisational dance number was the worst. I felt like a frog. They gave me lines to review outside. It was only then that I felt more like myself whenever I go through auditions, only then did I feel the drive. So much for timing. Rar.

I read the lines then left. I gave myself a pat on the back for not succumbing to hopelessness, and I thank God for giving me strength. I don't want what I became that day, when I felt lifeless and on the verge of defeat. It was someone else who where in my shoes that day, someone who had no sense of passion, fought for nothing and lived for nothing. I don't want to meet her again, and if I do I hope she won't get the better of me.